What Women Leaders "Shouldn't" Want [Infographics]

What Christian Women Leaders "Shouldn't" Want [Infographics]

by Jess Mason

Boston area Christian women leaders report that access to supportive networks — spaces for life-giving connection — is vital for healthy life balance. Our data reveal that there is a support gap for many of these leaders.

But more troubling is the discovery of a cultural validation gap, where women leaders know what support they need, but their culture is telling them that strong leaders “shouldn’t” need that kind of support.

The infographics below capture these support and cultural validation gaps.

The first infographic captures the negative lens, answering: What kinds of support are these women perceiving their culture saying healthy leaders “shouldn’t” need?

What Leaders “Shouldn't” Need

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Boston-area Christian women leaders were asked what cultural messages they heard that hinder their healthy life balance. The above represents what women reported hearing that strong leaders should not need or want. Word size represents frequency of mention, ranging from 1 to 6 mentions. Data taken from the 2016 Woven Consultation on Christian Women in Leadership, 104 respondents.

The second graphic captures the positive lens — this is the ask from Christian women leaders: What kind of support would help women leaders toward healthy life balance? Notice the substantial overlap between the disregarded/forbidden kinds of support in the first graphic and the desired kinds of life-giving connection in the second.

What Christian Women Leaders Want More of

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Boston-area Christian women leaders were asked what would help them move towards healthy life balance. The above represents what life-giving interactions they reported wanting or needing more of. Word size corresponds to number of mentions, ranging from 1 to 11 mentions. Data from 2016 Woven Consultation on Christian Women in Leadership, 104 respondents.

The final graph tallies these same requests for life-giving connections by category, which may suggest a relative weight of urgency or felt need. 

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Boston-area Christian women leaders were asked what would help them move towards healthy life balance. The above represents categories of life-giving interactions in their responses. Bar length represents number of mentions in that category, ranging from 1 to 39 mentions. Data from 2016 Woven Consultation on Christian Women in Leadership, 104 respondents.

By far the most requested kinds of support fell into the category of “grace spaces” — opportunities to be transparent, accepted and not judged. Christian women leaders would value more opportunities to be open about their weaknesses, their doubts, and their failures without concern for undermining their effectiveness as a leader. 

The second most requested kind of support included encouragement and strategies related to gender-based challenges.

Perhaps in connection to both of the top two concerns, women also craved the opportunity to share stories with other Christian women leaders — including stories of failure and redemption. 

TAKE ACTION

Quick-Poll — Building Support Networks

QUICK POLL: BUILDING SUPPORT NETWORKS

What Are We Missing?

What Are We Missing?

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Dominance in Leadership: What I'm Learning

Dominance in Leadership: What I'm Learning

by Jessica Mason

“I’m just not cut out to be a leader.”

My pastor at the time grinned with a twinkle in his eye and asked, “Why do you say that?”

I argued, “Because I’m not good at cutting people off at the knees to stay the center of attention.” He tried to tell me, That dubious “skill” is not what godly leadership is about. I’ve tried to believe him. 

As part of our series on conflicting cultural ideals, I'm investigating what the Bible has to say about common ideals that society imposes on leaders and on women. In this post I spotlight the often unspoken cultural ideal that effective leaders are dominant.

My search begins with a well-known passage where Jesus coaches his disciples that, while Gentile rulers “lord it over” others, it should not be so with them. Following the trail of the Greek word for “lord it over” (katakurieuw and kurieuw) around the Bible, I discovered the first mention of “lording over” at the fall of Adam and Eve. A relationship of dominance is apparently part of the Curse—a consequence of sin—not part of God’s beautiful design.

Accordingly, Jesus, Paul, and Peter each taught against leading through dominance. Whenever the Bible mentions humans taking it upon themselves to lord over other humans, the context is never positive.

“I’ve been conflicted about my occasional ability to dominate—it feels wrong when it happens, but when I can’t make it happen I see it as evidence that I am not cut out to lead.”

Recently I encountered a rather narcissistic individual. Narcissists have a pathological need for constant positive attention and adulation. I became increasingly agitated with this individual’s persistence in dominating the conversation and keeping themselves and their accomplishments in focus, to the detriment of meaningful action or decision making.

Reflecting on the experience, I flashed back to leadership roles in my past and came to a startling revelation—in many of my leadership experiences, I managed to center the situation around my thoughts or initiative, hold people in thrall, or get away with doing 75% of the talking. I'd confused leadership with narcissistic behaviors!

I’ve been conflicted about my occasional ability to dominate—it feels wrong when it happens, but when I can’t make it happen I see it as evidence that I'm not cut out to lead. I've repeatedly been disappointed with how my leadership eventually ends up feeling like The Jess Mason Show.  

I’m waking up to the realization that, if godly leadership has nothing to do with the ability to dominate, apparently I've failed to understand in my bones what leading others well truly looks like. In my observation, dominance can co-occur with real leadership. Furthermore, people can mistake dominance for leadership and will follow dominators—even to their own detriment—in the absence of a true leader. But I now believe that a dominant personality is actually irrelevant to healthy leadership.

I’m not in a leadership role at the moment. That buys me some time to learn. How can I hope to discern whether I’m called to lead others again until I understand what leadership is? I’d like to share with you what I’m learning, from the Bible and from living example.

“People can mistake dominance for leadership and will follow dominators—even to their own detriment—in the absence of a true leader.”

I’d like to return to the starting point of my search—Jesus and his disciples. This humble master clarifies that leaders should think of themselves as the servant of those they lead.

I take this to mean that while we usually think of leaders as “having” followers, Jesus turns this on its head. Instead he says that leaders should devote themselves to a vigilance for the good of those they lead, the way servants attend to their master’s good.

“Leaders should devote themselves to a vigilance for the good of those they lead.”

When Paul rejects dominance in leadership, he advocates that leaders instead should “work alongside others for their joy.” In contrast to the narcissist’s goal of using followers to supply them with positive attention, the true leader’s goal is to prompt others to deeper joy in God as a result of the leader’s partnership with them.

Peter also wrote to church leaders that instead of dominating their flocks, they should lead by example. This implies that an effective leader prioritizes personal obedience and discipleship over reprimand and force. In other words, she puts the lion’s share of her fervor into practicing what she preaches.

What strikes me about these biblical qualities for leadership is that they’re not inherently competitive. There can be more than one person in a group that exhibits these qualities. Not so with dominance, where There Can Be Only One. Biblical leadership includes. It collaborates. 

“In contrast to the narcissist’s goal of using followers to supply them with positive attention, the true leader’s goal is to prompt others to deeper joy in God as a result of the leader’s partnership with them.”

I would like to give a shout-out to my supervisor, Stacie Mickelson, for the ways she models godly leadership to me. As my supervisor, she regularly and concretely protects the interests of my healthy functioning on the Woven team. She listens well and dislodges obstacles. She balances my commitments and attends to my professional development. She also follows through on details like making sure my office chair isn’t hurting my back.  

In the team setting, Stacie leads meetings as though she’s working with friends and partners, not enemies to conquer or schlubs to drag along. In meetings she leads, even if she brings a clear agenda, I don’t get the sense she's forcing or dominating. Instead I find each of us heard and valued, as she shepherds the conversation towards healthy action. 

RESPOND

Meet Your Obstacles

In your leadership context today, identify what if any obstacles you would have to overcome to (a) think of yourself as a servant, (b) lead by example, or (c) throw your lot in as a fellow worker with those you lead.

Share your obstacles with a fellow leader. What is the Holy Spirit saying to you through your conversation, the Scriptures, or your prayer? What step of faith is the Holy Spirit inviting you to take next?

Encourage a Woman Leader

Think of a Christian woman leader that you know who leads by (a) positive example, (b) a servant’s heart, or (c) working alongside others for their joy.

Tell her today in person, in a note, or in a text, what you appreciate about her example of Christian leadership. If you have the platform, with her permission, share publicly what you appreciate about her leadership that others might learn from. Pray for her continued effectiveness as a leader in her setting.

Pray for Our Leaders

Think of a leader—either someone you know or a public figure—who seems to lead primarily by dominance.

First, see that person as a human being, created in the image of God. Pray that the Holy Spirit would work in her/his heart to create in them a desire to serve others and work alongside them for the good of all.

What are we missing?

Tell Us What We're Missing!

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Jessica Mason is a licensed minister, spiritual director, and research associate in Applied Research & Consulting at EGC. Her passion is to see God’s goodness revealed to and through Christian leaders and pillars in the Boston area.

The Awkward Dance: Christian Women Leaders Find Footing Amid Conflicts of Ideals

The Awkward Dance: Christian Women Leaders Find Footing Amid Conflicts of Ideals

by Jess Mason

When you think, “good Christian woman,” to what extent do you think, “effective leader?”

According to our research, Christian women leaders face conflicting ideals for women and for leaders in their communities, such that traits of effective leaders can contradict traits of admirable Christian women.

I believe that if these cultural ideals go unexamined, capable women may falsely doubt their fitness for leadership. They may also betray their leadership strengths—as well as their authentic selves—in order to conform to their culture’s image of a skilled leader.

In this post we explore six conflicts-of-ideals reported by participants at the Woven Consultation on Christian women in leadership in March 2016. In a series of follow-up posts in the coming months, we’ll look at these conflicts and consider: Where are these cultural ideals challenged by Scripture? Where do biblical examples shift—or broaden—the picture of what healthy leadership and/or healthy womanhood can look like?

THE LEADER-WOMAN DANCE

Conflicting ideals for leaders and women seem to begin in many cases with masculinized norms for leadership. One woman shared this challenge in terms of available role models: “Being shaped by male dominated fields, I don’t know [how] to lead being [a] woman.” Another woman reported, “In ministry, I’ve experienced that I had to be or act different than my true self as a woman because I had to act as a man.”

The Bible challenges the assumption that effective leaders must be men. Women in formal leadership roles include Deborah the judge, Junia the apostle, and Phoebe the deacon, among others. Women of extraordinary influence without official leadership roles include Esther, who planned and made an appeal to prevent an Israelite genocide, and Abigail, who confronted a battalion to lead David back to God’s word and will, setting the tone (and providing the land base) for David’s unparalleled reign over Israel.

To lead wholeheartedly, women leaders need to be set free from contradictory standards. As one Woven participant put it, “We need to be able to lead as women, not be shoehorned into leading like men.” Here are the cultural contradictions women leaders report navigating in their leadership settings.

SIX CONFLICTING IDEALS FOR LEADERS VS. WOMEN

1. Should I be dominant/aggressive or accommodating?

American culture can prize dominance in male leaders, sometimes to a blinding degree. One woman mentioned a “dominating male” ideal for leadership. Another observed, “Women need to be more aggressive…to compete with their male counterparts in business.”

But leaders must change their tune to be considered admirable women: “Being an alpha female is…too manly.” One woman shared that, “Women can’t be aggressive in advocating for themselves.” Multiple leaders reported that the more common expectation on women is that they “be available” and “meet everyone’s expectations.”

2. Should I be direct/assertive or agreeable?

One minister shared that over her years in leadership she has had to force herself to be more “direct” than she feels comfortable being as a woman. Others affirmed this tension: “Women aren’t assertive.” “It is hard to confront people.” “It's not feminine to disagree.”

3. Should I be confident or self-effacing?

Many women reported feeling that leaders are supposed to appear strong and put-together at all times, and not show weakness or vulnerability. The expected appearance of strength led one leader to lament, a “leader must be always confident. I’m not always confident.” In fact, the very opposite of confidence may be expected of women: “I must present myself as ‘less-than’ to be liked.”

4. Should I be hard or nice?

Like the 19th century children’s nursery rhyme—sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what little girls are made of—women are expected to be “always happy and positive all the time.” Bottom line: “Women should be nice.”

But one woman shared the expectation that as a leader, “it’s better to be hard than vulnerable.” Another shared that she felt the need to come across as “hard” to be effective in her leadership context, even though “that’s not my true self.”

5. Should I be decisive or consensus-building?

While women agreed there are different types of leadership, some felt forced to choose between false opposites. One wrote that leadership tends to be narrowly defined by those already in power, with principles like, “good leaders are decisive, not consensus building.”

One leader felt she had to decide between being a “good decision-maker” and being a “follower, as expected [of women] from a cultural and social perspective.”

6. Should I be unemotional or emotional?

A common tension for women in leadership is the scope and extent to which emotions and emotional expression have a role in effective leadership. One woman shared that she hears the message that women are supposed to be “giving and emotional.” Another wrote, “women are the weaker/emotional/vulnerable gender.” But, as previously stated, leaders are expected not to show vulnerability.

Without the acknowledgement of emotions as a potential source of insight, the expected emotionality in women would appear to do nothing more than cripple effective leadership.

RESPOND

Tell Us What You Think

We hope this article fosters discussion, reflection, and greater awareness of your leadership choices in your various work and life settings. Please join the Facebook discussion to add your thoughts and experiences. 

Share Your Story

Have you experienced any part of this awkward dance in your community? Or does your community have some wisdom you’d like to share? If you have a fuller story to share, contact Jess Mason at jmason [at] egc.org about contributing a personal reflection blog post.

What Else Should WOVEN Be Discussing?

Is there a part of the leader-woman dance that was not mentioned that you would like to bring to our attention? Contact Jess Mason at jmason [at] egc.org to share your insights.

Jess Mason is a licensed minister, spiritual director, and research associate in ARC@EGC. Her passion is to see God’s goodness revealed to and through Christian leaders and pillars in the Boston area.

Keeping Work in its Place

Keeping Work in its Place

By WOVEN SEPTEMBER 30TH, 2016

Happy Fall from the EGC Woven crew! I want to share a tidbit of wisdom from one of the table groups at the May Woven Consultation to help us stay balanced this fall:

Don’t let your work be an idol—

Seek healing for the holes in ourselves.

Be whole in God

Be rooted in Christ.

As we know, letting something be an idol means looking to something other than God to make our lives worthwhile—to make life worth living or give us personal worth. Idols cause anxiety and imbalance because they can never be as secure or enduring as our relationship with God.

Over the years I’ve contended with the idol of achievement. I’ve mis-measured my life‘s worth based on how much I was accomplishing. When I give in to that idol, I overtax my body, cut corners on my spiritual life, and rationalize emotional chaos as the cost of doing business.

Others may be tempted to make idols of their work in other ways—maybe they lean too hard on their work to give them respect, purpose, or power to provide, not ultimately trusting God for those needs.

How can we avoid making work an idol? I find these prayerful reminders helpful:

1. God, my life’s worth (or dignity, or provision) comes from You. My work is just what I do for now.

2. Lord, help me make today be less about working for You, and more about walking with You.

3. Holy Spirit, help me to draw work boundaries in places that are pleasing to You.

I’ll leave you with the wisdom of one Woven participant—“We see success as fulfilling our mission in life, but God sees our obedience as success.”

Want to write (or video?) a personal reflection for the Woven community on what helps you stay balanced? Let us know! Email Jess at jmason [at] egc.org. 

Jess Mason is a licensed minister, spiritual director, and research associate in ARC@EGC. Her passion is to see God’s goodness revealed to and through Christian leaders and pillars in the Boston area.

7 Twisted Messages: Findings from the 2016 Woven Consultation

7 Twisted Messages

Findings from the 2016 Woven Women’s Leadership Consultation

By WOVEN AUGUST 5TH, 2016

Do the Christian women you know lead lives of healthy balance?

On March 5, 2016, over 100 Boston-area women (non-profit leaders, mothers, students, businesswomen, pastors and other leaders) gathered to address this question. Women of various ethnicities, church affiliations and ages devoted their Saturday to considering what healthy balance looks like for Christian women, along with the hinderances they face in living and leading wholeheartedly.

The result? Not surprisingly, this cross-section of Christians first affirmed a timeless reality: for Christians, healthy life balance means aligning with God’s wise priorities as revealed in Scripture. 

Going deeper, they brought to light that for today’s Boston-area Christian women, God’s priorities have enemies — counterfeit messages that pervade our local culture and lurk in Christian spaces. 

This is what we heard.

SEVEN TWISTED MESSAGES CHRISTIAN WOMEN LEADERS HEAR

1. Do everything asked, for everyone who asks, without delay, or you've failed.

Over a third of the women struggled to set or adjust priorities in ways that ensured inner peace. What’s more, they felt unable or forbidden to deprioritize any people or opportunities, leading to unceasing guilt and disappointment.

I expect myself to say yes to every need that is within my gifting.

I spend too much time helping others and not doing what God has called me to do.

2. No failure or learning curve allowed for women.

A third of the women felt pressure to do everything right the first time, or be judged as failures in their role as Christian leaders.

I despise my learning curve, even though I love learning. I feel judged by my behavior, so I want to do more and do it effectively, instead of learning as I go, or even learning and then acting.

I feel I need to be in control / all knowledgeable even though I’ve never done this (my ministry) before.

3. Effective leaders don't show weakness, vulnerability, or need for others.

Despite some women’s expressed concerns that they lack the time, energy or resources to accomplish what others are asking of them, a number of women echoed false narratives that denied their legitimate needs for others—needs like support, mentoring or even God’s empowerment. Some comments revealed a belief that good leaders are supposed to be a source of unwavering strength for others.

To be a strong, independent woman means not allowing for true vulnerability, means ‘sucking it up,’ means always thinking of others first.

It is wrong to admit to being tired, or to admit, ‘I don’t know.’

I need a safe space to not be okay.

4. Women should lead like men to be effective; for women to act like men is distasteful.

Experienced women leaders felt pressure to “lead like a man” in order to be effective in certain contexts. But paradoxically, some women reported that if they display qualities more commonly associated with men—being “assertive,” “confrontational” or “aggressive”—these are deemed inappropriate for women. Christian women leaders are navigating this catch-22 to provide authentic leadership.

Those in power decide the characteristics of who is a good leader and what good leadership is, and that often looks like them. For example, ‘good leaders are decisive, not consensus building.’

In ministry, I’ve experienced that I had to be or act different than my true self (as a woman) because I had to act as a man (hard, direct) which is not my true self.

5. Busy is the new godly.

Many women pointed to a culture of busyness that encourages them to fill all of their time with activity. For some, this is framed as spiritual virtue; i.e., because I am blessed by God, I’m obligated to serve others as much as humanly possible.

Having a full schedule is the right way to live… free time or downtime is of no value.

Rest and slowing down is selfish.

6. I'm never enough.

Over a dozen women revealed clouds of impossible standards hanging over their heads. Many of the statements were vague pronouncements like “perfection” or “perfect parenting.” Ten women mentioned unattainable standards of physical beauty. Several shared some version of the expectation that they should be “further along in life by now.”

I feel like I need to look pretty, be smart, witty, strong, confident, not overly emotional, helpful, charming, graceful and gracious—all in one!

Women of color in leadership need to be more, better, extra than EVERYONE else just to be invited to this table. If I am not articulate, competent, attractive enough, my voice will not be acknowledged; neither will the voice of those who identify with me who will come behind me.

7. Christian women leaders are in competition with each other.

A smaller group, citing a shortage of leadership opportunities for women in some places, observed a “scarcity mindset” among women in leadership. They lamented that women may unnecessarily see one another as competitors instead of as important allies.

GOOD NEWS—THE WORK HAS ALREADY STARTED

Thanks to the Spirit’s work in them, the women of the Woven Consultation already recognize these messages as errors—severe hindrances to God’s redemptive work in the world. Throughout the Consultation, women heartened each other with practical tips for standing in Christ against these unhealthy tides.

But this is not enough. They also need the wider Christian community to join them—to think and act creatively alongside them—so we can all thrive together in our pursuit of Christ’s best for our families, our churches, our community and our city.

HOW CAN MEN & WOMEN HELP?

SHARE BIBLICAL HOPE

• Meditate on Scripture to find biblical wisdom to counteract each of these false narratives.

• Expose these distortions in small group discussions, Bible studies and sermons.

MENTOR WOMEN

• Share the habits you practice that help you combat these distortions and help you to lead a balanced life. For example, encourage Sabbath-keeping and the healthy rhythms of a grace-filled life.

• Be careful about the behavior that you publicly praise or reward. Make sure to encourage self-care and healthy boundaries just as much as hard work and sacrifice.

• Model and encourage gospel-based balance through self-care, rest and healthy boundaries.

ENGAGE YOUR COMMUNITY

• Discuss the 7 Twisted Messages with a friend or small group. Is the Lord leading you to confront any distorted messages in your life?

• Commit to naming and challenging these distortions as you observe them in your church-community, workplace or family.

WOVEN CAN HELP

Want to address these twisted messages in your church, but don't know where to start? Woven supports churches and Christian leaders through...

Convening  

Annual women’s leadership consultation and monthly cohort groups to share stories, build relationship and to collectively discern ways to take action toward empowering and supporting women, churches and communities.

Consulting  

Technical assistance to churches, women‘s networks and organizations.

Applied Research  

Collaborative research and community engagement on challenging urban justice issues facing Boston’s churches, with a current focus on gender justice, public health, and youth.

A Report on the 2014 Woven Consultation Day for Christian Women Leaders

Why a Consultation Day

Christian churches believe that all people, regardless of race, ethnicity or gender, are created in the image of God. Yet, often the Church falls short of honoring that image. Anecdotal and statistical evidence shows that women face disproportionate levels of violence, discrimination and challenge at least as much in churches as out.